Intimacy

This essay was published in the Tucson main newspaper, the Daily Star. It draws upon a couple of earlier posts on turn-stone, bringing together ideas on community and the importance of engaging others as fellow humans rather than as objects.

The essay appeared in a section of the paper in which members of the clergy share their thoughts on faith. When I submitted this piece, I was doubtful the paper would publish it since I am not a member of the clergy or a member of any sectarian organization either. I was pleased that they did, for after all religious leaders do not have a monopoly on how to live in a rightful manner.

The link to the article is at the bottom of this post.

Intimacy

I admire the deeds and thoughts of many groups of believers: the quiet passion for social justice of Quakers, the meditative worldview of Buddhists, and the work of some evangelical Christians in the current reprise of the sanctuary movement from the 1980s.

Although I am not a Quaker, for several years I was a volunteer with the American Friends Service Committee, helping with AFSC’s work on criminal justice, the rights of prisoners, and opposition to the death penalty. At one AFSC planning session at a Quaker meeting hall, I saw on the wall a framed quote from George Fox, the founder of the Society of Friends, which read, “To walk cheerfully over the world answering that of God in everyone.” I believe that quote describes the sort of relationship we should try to establish with people, strangers and acquaintances alike, a connection that transcends the tendency to view others as impersonal objects rather than as thinking, feeling human beings.

The philosopher Martin Buber captured a similar idea in his book “I and Thou,” published about a century ago as “Ich und Du.” The book is complex and profound, but his ideas are a useful metaphor on how to live. Buber refers to two types of relationships that a person can have, I-it and I-thou. I-it relationships are ones in which a person engages something as a separate entity, an “it,” an object, even if that Something is another person. In contrast, an I-thou relationship transcends that separation through an awareness that the Something is no longer an impersonal object but a unique entity, even if the Something is inanimate such as a mountain forest—or, more importantly, if that Something is another human being.

Buber’s I-thou relationship shares with the words of George Fox the idea of intimacy. By intimacy, I am not referring to physical intimacy but rather to a connection between two people that is based on recognition, appreciation, and empathy—an awareness of shared humanity. The connection could be something as basic as saying hello to a child in a grocery store line, starting a conversation with an old person at a bus stop, engaging in a respectful debate about politics across the table at a Rotary Club meeting, or sharing vacation stories with a new co-worker who seems shy and reticent.

Making an intimate connection, however, requires overcoming one’s sense of vulnerability and fear of rejection. It means taking a chance, putting oneself at risk of being ignored or perhaps of saying the wrong thing. After all, we differ from one another in our personalities, often to the extent of making communication arduous or sometimes impossible. Also, some people simply don’t like or perhaps don’t know how to respond to an overture of connection.

Moreover, we are by nature tribal, and it is easy to view others as objects, as “those people” or “one of them” rather than fellow human beings with whom we have much more in common than we have differences. We see this now during these fractious times when people disparage others as “communist liberals” or “fascist conservatives”; when they view Muslims, Jews, Mormons, or atheists with deep suspicion; or when they feel threatened by immigrants from Latin America or the Middle East. Despite such difference of politics, religion, and national origin, however, with the few exceptions of pathological zealots, we share the hopes, fears, and doubts common to all people.

I still recall two Biblical verses that are on the sanctuary walls of a church I attended for several years. On the north wall is a sentence from the book of Mark: “The kingdom of God is within you.” On the south wall are these words from the prophet Micah: “What doth the Lord require of thee but to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with thy god.”

I believe these verses serve as metaphors on how we might engage the world and each other. The words from Mark are a reminder that we each have something holy within us, the urge to help and cooperate, a sense of our common humanity that can break through the walls of bigotry and tribalism if we only listen to the still, small voice of conscience. Mark’s words echo the vision of George Fox.

I prefer the verse from Micah, however. To me, its message is simple and universal, applicable to believers and nonbelievers alike: act in a just and merciful manner and be humble. I recognize, however, that in this society in which humans are commodified and objectified, such guidance, wise or not, is difficult to heed. Moreover, by following such advice, one might be marginalized and viewed as an idealistic eccentric. Nevertheless, we as a people would be better if that verse from Micah were widely understood and followed, not only by the populace in general but also by our leaders.

If we can make these connections, if we can “answer that of God” in other people, if we bridge the “I-it” chasm between ourselves and others so that each one becomes a “thou,” if we recognize that the kingdom of God is within each of us, if we are just, merciful, and humble, then we become larger than our single selves. We are nourished by the Good that flows between people, and that is the essence of community.

https://tucson.com/lifestyles/faith-and-values/looking-for-the-good-in-others-and-making-intimate-connections/article_b778c5f4-e502-5e3d-9b64-a52f49646d81.html