Delight

In the novel Returning to Earth by Jim Harrison, one of my favorite writers, a character says about a young couple who seem to be in love, “Are they able to delight each other?”

Delight is an unusual but evocative word to describe a relationship between two people. I have never heard it used that way before, but it makes sense. The ability of a couple to delight each other would be a fine metric for love. Delighting each other implies that they are not just a couple in love (whatever that means) but true lovers whose psyches are intimately intertwined.

Couples in love show affection, patience, and tolerance for each other, and they enjoy the other’s company. To me, though, delight describes a much closer connection, one that connotes not just pleasure in being with the other person but also a resonance of personalities and interests that manifests itself as passion, both intellectual and physical. That resonance is too often fleeting, however. Delight seems to be most apparent in a new relationship, one that has not been worn down by familiarity and the weight of routine.

Lasting mutual delight is a matter of luck. After all, everyone changes with time. Life is an excellent teacher but a stern one, too. Our opinions, interests, and abilities at 45 are different than they were at 20 and different at 70 than at 45. Further, each of us changes in diverse ways based on the cards that have been dealt us by genetics and experience. High school reunions are vivid examples of this. Living with a partner does little to alter the inevitable changes due to time. Sometimes members of a couple change in ways that are more or less compatible, but often not. The delight that blessed them early on evaporates and is replaced by other emotions—sometimes acceptance and tolerance, other times resignation or even desperation.

I have seen a fortunate few couples who still seem to delight each other after many years together. Their relationship is, I think, certainly a resonance of shared interests. It is also acceptance and encouragement of interests that one has that other does not share. It also is a relationship built upon Trust. I capitalize that word to emphasize that it is much more than confidence and reliance, but also connotes being so connected that there is a complete absence of vulnerability between them.

Something Anne Lamott wrote in her wonderful book on writing, Bird by Bird, captures the idea of lovers delighting each other. Lamott is not talking about relationships, however, but how a good narrator can capture the heart of a reader. The comparison works, though, because that is what delight is—capturing your lover’s heart. “Having a great…friend whose company you love, whose mind you love to pick, whose running commentary totally holds your attention, who makes you laugh out loud, whose lines you always want to steal. When you have a friend like this, [he or] she can say, ‘Hey, I’ve got to drive up to the dump in Petaluma–wanna come along?’ and you honestly can’t think of anything in the world you’d rather do.”

A final thought. A relationship of lovers delighting each other scintillates with shared epiphanies. I know.